Barbed Freedom

barbedfreedom @ 2009-02-21T21:27:00

2009-02-22T02:29:56Z

I have given up a dream for a reality that I am happy with. I am moving on, and I feel slight regret but am happy with my decision. I feel like I'm becoming one strong person.

But now this journal, this life, this dream, is ending. What do I write here now?

Updates

2008-12-29T19:03:59Z

So a few people read my last post, and I talked to several more about it. Mary particularily helped. MANY hours later, it came down to the sense that I'm punishing myself for something - and that's why I sense a wrongness to it, because I shouldn't be punished. But part of me enjoys said punishment because I feel I deserve it.

And I just thought I was kinky.

Anyway, that's been on the back burner since then, and will stay there a while longer. I have bigger issues than fixing my flaws at the moment.

First, in light news, why do people unfriend you and then say you can message to be re-added? It just seems so silly! I'm not gonna beg to be on your list. Of course, the whole friending and unfriending faux pas strike me as a bit bizarre to begin with, but maybe that's just me. I mean, some people take it so seriously!

Next, in September I met a guy at work, who turned out to be married (drama) and Ray gave the go ahead (drama) and I played with the couple (drama) who have 3 kids (stress.) *sigh* It was nice, but too much work. So month and a bit and I ended it. Still friends, and all, and maybe more later, but for now just chill.

Sex was frickin awesome though. Which got Nyx stirred up. Then Seth dropped me a line. (Yes, he's still crazier and fuck, dreaming, and has none of his shit together. No, I do not want him. Well, not the way he is now anyway.) And she got more stirred up. She still wants him. Well, the him he was before he went TOTALLY out of his mind, anyway. She's been depressed for ages anyway. Back in August she begged, BEGGED, Ray to let her die. Nyx begged! And with the sex play and the reminder of Seth she just lost it. We started to fray, and just couldn't make a decision. So we dosed her and shoved her in the box.

And we've been happy. I mean, the rest of us are pretty damn content with us, with BlancNoir, with our life. We're happy! But she's not. She has these expectations that I've been told, by multiple people whom I trust, just won't be found. But she refuses to settle. I think it's that all that keeps her going is looking for it, and compromise would be like dying inside for her.

And we get that, we sympathize. But we aren't two people, and the other 4 of us are tired of chasing the impossible dream, tired of new starts, tired of trying again and again just to have it turn out to be a lie. We have something really awesome and we don't want to give it up.

But she just can't. Which leaves us in an impossible situation.

First, we barely want sex without her. Second, having it on the rare times we do want it makes us afraid we'll wake her up. So we can't keep this stalemate going long.

Possible choices: Kill her or try to merge us all together. The second happened once when I prayed a VERY desperate prayer, and I couldn't stand it, so probably not the best option. But kill her? What if we lost something important? Not to mention that she's the parts of us we admire the most.

I just don't know what to do. I hate impossible situations. The bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but what about ten?

So yeah, I just can't find the calm lately.

At least work and money are working out now. So if I can just get my head straight... *sigh* God, I could use a word of wisdom right about now...

Oh! I have resolutions! First year in a long, long time.
1) I resolve to not let my job overwhelm me or impact my happiness. I love my job; it's gonna stay that way.
2) I resolve to pay down my debts and improve my credit in preparation for buying a house.
3) I resolve to take a dancing class to do something productive to lose weight. And maybe eat a little better.

Even with everything, I'm looking forward to 2009. I'm happy.

But does this mean the dream is dead? Am I giving up on looking for a Master? Is the title finally gone for good?

What a sad thought.

Life as Usual?

2008-06-22T16:46:48Z

So, when we first met it was all fireworks and explosions between us, but I guess I've learned a lot since then. He's here, slowly becoming more Him, and I'm here, trying to not be the me of the past year. Trying very, very, very hard. Failing mostly, which is frustrating. Old habits die hard, I guess, and I'll just have to beat these into submission.

But the other day I was fantasizing. Just some random guy, but it was the stuff I usually pick when I need realistic hardcore (aka not tentacle rape, giants, serial killers who don't kill me/I escape from/I can't die, and other things that don't exist in the real world.) Just a random fantasy. The inclusions?

-He's watching me masturbate as he drives, deliberately gets us pulled by the cops, makes me have sex with the cop to get us out of the ticket, then writes "WHORE" with a downward arrow on my stomach in bright red lipstick and takes a picture of me looking fucked up
-He makes me go to the neighbor's (my pick of which ones) wearing only a pearl necklace to borrow some sugar
-He knocks me unconcious, ties me to the bed, when I wake he spanks me, beats me with a belt, fucks me up the ass with a spiked dildo (there was blood,) then brutally rapes me with it still in. Afterward he leaves me tied uncomfortably to the bed all night, takes me again the next morning, then makes me go take a shower.
-Invites random guys over and makes me have various forms of sex with them for money (or not)

There was more detail, but even for a post where I'm bearing my soul I think that's enough. That, right there, is pretty X rated. But there is a point, I promise, it's not just gratuitous.

The point is, somewhere in this half-fantasy, half-dream, I have a conversation with him. I ask him why he doesn't love me, why he can't love me, and he says? "You want abuse. How can I love you and abuse you, or abuse you and love you?"

Snap back to reality. And suddenly I'm looking at the fantasy, analyzing it. None of that is stuff I need. But want? Yeah, most of that is. Not all together all the time, and maybe with some small variations for safety, but yeah, and most of the time some of it. And, looking at it from an outsider's standpoint, most people would say that that is abuse. Hell, most of the sane people in the BDSM scene would say that's abuse. And apparently, my subconcious at least knew that.

But I didn't. For me, somehow, love and abuse are so mixed up that they go together just fine. In fact, I didn't even see it as abuse because if they love me, it wouldn't be abuse. WTF does that mean? Makes me glad I always knew what love really was, otherwise I shudder to think where I'd be now. Point is, for me, someone who loved me would be able to abuse me without a problem. But that was the color of my glasses, not the way things were. I wonder if that's part of what changed between me and BlancNoir - he started to love me, and as he did it became both safer and harder for him to abuse me. It's hard to degrade and humiliate someone you love and respect.

It's a bit of a catch 22 - I look for people who love me because they won't push it too far and really hurt and/or kill me, but only people who care nothing for me will truly be able to give me what I want.

So now, the tough part. Realizing this, what do I DO? How much of what I want is partially need? How unhappy will I be without it? Is there any way to get it, even in small doses? Knowing that I, honestly and deeply, want a lifestyle of being abused and controlled, and knowing that this cannot safely happen, do I eliminate this desire? What happens if I do?

Because, the honest question is, what happens if I kill off part of me? Because that is what I would really have to do. I am so happy, and I know without this mess I could stay that way, and I wonder if that's all wrapped up in this too, this desire to put her to bed permanently. I keep coming back to it.

And then there's the questions of why the fucking hell am I like this, do I really want to know why, how can I find out, and what happens if I do? But scarily, the more I figure out how this crap is affecting me (and now I've begun to call it crap on a regular basis. What does that mean?) the more I want to rip that door off the hinges and damn the consequences.

And I keep WAITING. I am SO TIRED of WAITING. *sigh*

So after that little vent, today's project behind the garbage is to sort out these desires and firgure out what to do about them. *sigh* Here goes nothing.

The Journey

2008-05-11T14:49:28Z

Whoever said that the journey is one of the best parts of traveling is an idiot.

I am a destination kinda gal. The whole many-hours-in-a-plane-or-car-with-baggage-and-checkpoints-and-timezones thing is not my bag. It's not most people's, though, as well. But I'm kinda also that way with life.

God, can't I just skip the next couple of years and drop in for the fun part? Huh? You can teach me in my sleep and stuff..... Please?

Moving

2008-05-09T14:46:36Z

So I'm leaving on Wednesday to go home. This is a good thing. My time here is well past, and I'm ready for it. Much as I love JoieDeDouleur (and most times like her) I miss my friends, my stuff, my fluffy kitty, the ability to work. The packing is crazy, but it's getting done.

This, of course, is not why I'm writing this. This journal has never been a record of the day to day. It's my release when things start to boil over in my head. And I haven't needed one in months. THAT is why I'm writing.

No, he hasn't become who I want/need. It kept being a problem until I cast the cards in March. It told me so much, including patience. God told me to wait. I listened.

Nyx went to sleep, a surprising move of hope, faith, confidence and trust for her. My sex drive decreased, my need for pain vanished, my expectations rested with her. And as I relaxed, he did become more what I needed in little things. He relaxed. And hope grew more, and I believed that I was doing what was needed. I don't know how long such patience will last, but I have been genuinely happy in the calm she left behind.

But now... I will be without him a mere three weeks. It is so little. Yet I know how off balance this puts me, how uneven. And it is more that there are nervous pricks in me that will not be still and listen to reason. My subconscious is rebelling against my mind already. I do not want to leave him, even for a little while. Deep in my mind there is uneasiness and unrest where there had been peace.

It is unavoidable. What must be must be. But... The back of my mind doesn't seem to like it much nonetheless. Which makes my front of mind uneasy, and unhappy.

*Sigh* Why does it have to be complicated?

barbedfreedom @ 2008-04-15T15:29:00

2008-04-15T05:29:58Z

Thanks to atriel for my new layout! It's yummy...

barbedfreedom @ 2008-01-15T18:41:00

2008-01-15T07:55:00Z

The events and realizations of the past few days are promising, if nothing else. He's listening, trying to understand, and that bodes well. I think it is still hard for him to grasp what I need though. At least now he understands why I need it. We shall see.

He's not going through the motions anymore though, and that's good. There's effort, thought going into things. He's expecting feedback, and that's definitely new. Yet I'm still worried that tomorrow it will all stop again. I guess only time will fix that.

He wants me to write more, which is good. And we're going to be learning French. =) I hadn't brought it up in ages, and yet he remembered. I can't wait to start.

I've asked him to help me get healthier, finally shape up and get my confidence back. My sister-to-be, JoieDe Douleur, bought Fit to Strip, and I've been enjoying it immensely. Hopefully, a more regular schedule will follow as well. I need to stop sleeping away my days and neglecting myself and my life.

For now, I am mostly just waiting to see what he will do. Fingers crossed.

Back Online

2008-01-14T03:11:12Z

After months without Internet, it is good to be back to the keys.

Nyx pushed him too far finally, and he committed. We will see what comes of it.

*Sigh* It is hard to make him understand what I want. He was getting frustrated, said he was trying. I finally got him to tell me how. Then had to explain that I feel ridiculously loved - that's never been the problem. He's always made me feel loved and cared for and giddy like a little girl. I want to feel controlled.

I love him so much. We'll get there.

Letters to Master, Letter 2

2008-01-14T03:07:43Z

    Before I begin, allow me to state that I do not, in any way, mean this to be a criticism of your will, potential or word. These are simply my observations and if they are incorrect, then I apologize. But, on to the heart of it.
    To be frank, you look like a drowning man. It's been a year since we met and 10 days since you took over the roll of Master again, and so far you have only implemented a list, let slide one punishment because you didn't know what to do or have the energy to do it, and the sexual urges are exhausting you further, yet you continue to favor them. Know it of not, you, sir, are sinking.
    This is a familiar pattern, as well. Generally they will push the punishments issue more, you will fold, or, more likely, forget, the lists will stop, life goes on. I am comfortable with this pattern. For all my Christianity, for all that men should lead, I like leading. I'm good at it too. Why shouldn't I be? I am a dominant. But for all that, I cannot do for them what you can do for them; I cannot make them happy. And you are not only a good man. A man, yes, sent by God into our life. A man of strength and principles. But you are also a man we have committed to, for life.
    Breaking that vow the first time, broke me. I don't know that I will ever heal. I don't know that I will ever be able to love you.
    It must not happen again.

    And this time is different. Failure is no longer an option. You made a promise, but, more dangerous, you ordered Nyx to believe it. If you fail her... Bad things will happen. And that, also, is not an option. I've seen that ride, I don't enjoy it.
    The long and short of it is you need help. Did you know that, in the oldest families, they actually have schools for dominants? There are books, articles, forums. Why? Because doing it right isn't easy.
    You have no training, no books, no forums. But you have a very unusual "girl."
    I can help you, if you let me. I have no personal interest in it, but I have a good deal of knowledge, and even better, I know what they want and need. I know how to work around the sex. How to punish them. If you ask me, singularly, I can help you. You need the help.

Good list punishments:
    -Send to corner in our room for "x" time per infraction
    -Exercise per infraction
    -Masturbation with no finish allowed (for lighter issues - make sure to hold the line and allow no satisfaction for the night)
    -Vacuum carpet by hand (or other work-related, unpleasant, hard task.)
I have others if you need them.

    Let me help you.
                    Peace

barbedfreedom @ 2007-12-25T13:45:00

2008-01-14T02:48:08Z

"Thou art to me a delicious torment."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

(feed me or free me.)

Letters to Master, Letter 1

2008-01-14T02:45:40Z

    I am so tired of waiting. He has what I need, want, crave. I can feel it fall over me like a curtain he drops, then lifts. Yes, he. He hasn't earned the capital. By that token, have I not earned the collar? I am so hungry. He feeds me just enough to keep me in line. His instincts are good. God, he is good, delicious, divine, and just out of reach. The possibilities make me ache. I lust.
    When he is there, nay, when He is there, it is everything. Pregnant with promise. I could fall into that well and drown. And I want to drown in him, lose myself completely. Why? Why am I this way?
    Why is water wet, ice cold, stone hard? Pointless questions.
    God, I want Him. I want Him bad enough to continue this incessant waiting, with only him and the scraps from His table.
    Please, my Master, have mercy on a starving woman. Feed me.

    Love me.

    (Nyxsis)

Titles and the thoughts they bring...

2007-08-23T00:03:32Z

So, I changed the title of this journal today. It used to read "For The Want Of A Master." And now? "For The Collar Of A Master."

The old one related to the phrase
"For the want of a Master
the slave was lost."

It kept me going for quite a while. And it was hard to retain stability alone. Misere at least gave me more skill at that, if nothing else.

But it was time, past time, for a change. In my heart, it had already changed. I find my self using this less now during the golden times. It's hard to write when all I am is happy. Yes, there have been bumps, but unlike my old boys, I go to Him with these. Vie'etVent has helped more than I can say, and listens, always, when I am not ready to tell Him yet. (I love her more than I can say. Even this far away, she helps so much! My Goddess still...) And she's helping a new Master gets His legs as well. Not that He needs too much help, actually...

But now I've changed it, not just in my heart, but where others can see. "For The Collar Of A Master."

I want it so desperately, but, wise as always, He won't give it to me until we're ready. Oh! The things I will do for that collar...

Soon I hope... But we shall see.

In other news, DouleurAm's girl (or is he hers?) OmbreLune bought me a paid account and is doing a layout for this journal! She does amazing work. I had never thought of getting one, but I'm kinda excited... Hmm.

I'm still here, and I haven't woken up yet.

2007-08-11T13:59:34Z

He's beautiful, and he treats me like a princess. Now if I can just get more thorns with those roses...

But still, very much in love...

(Yay!)

Breathe, Just Breathe

2007-06-08T16:18:45Z

I keep holding my breath, waiting to wake up back in my old life, this just a memory I can't grasp. It is simply too good to be true. He's everything I need, everything I've ever wanted. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I keep thinking "This can't last," but it keeps lasting.

He's perfect. Our life together is perfect. And not the shiney diamond perfect. A beautiful, human perfect with just enough flaws you can see it's beauty.

God, I don't know why I deserve this, but thank you, so very very much.

I've finally found what I'm looking for.

How Far I've Come, How Far To Go

2007-05-14T04:02:17Z

In 14 hours, I leave for another country, another future. I leave to explore the country of my dreams with the man of my dreams. A dream come true? Just a little.

I've come a long way, and it's been a long journey, but I am truly happy. I have been happier for longer now than I have been since I was 17. I feel this is destiny. I am closer and better with God than ever, and I've finally forgiven Him for all I had to go through.

It was HELL.

But, I guess now, maybe it was worth it.

I like the woman He has made out of me. I like who I continue to become. I like this wonderful man He has brought into my life and how good we are for each other.

It feels like I can finally stop fighting not to drown, like my head is finally above water. I can breathe. I can LIVE.

I am so happy.

Advice to a friend

2007-03-27T19:28:53Z

"I know how it is, to be obsessed and unable to shake it.

I went back through my e-mails with Seth, hoping to find something I could say that would help you. What I found was that even now, after all this time, after finding what I have always been looking for and knowing I chose right, the rip in my soul still aches. It can never completely heal. I can't truly get that piece back.

But at least now I know I made the right decision. I looked into the deepest, darkest places of me and him and I and found my answer. I know it was right. I have pain, but not regret.

He will continue to haunt you until you know. And you will never be free, really, to give all of yourself to someone else until you can let him go. Don't curse yourself like I did with J. Don't try to make something work while still in some part of yourself clinging to something in the past."

It's nice to have come through the tunnel and get to look back, isn't it?

I've finally found what I'm looking for, and I love the feeling. Nyah nyah to all those who thought I couldn't. *soft smile* Apparently, my brand of perfection really does exist, and it was absolutely worth waiting for. Worth waiting even longer for, actually. I feel lucky and blessed as all hell.

Here's to finding each other, to letting go of the past, to finally breaking through.

Today's News

2007-02-21T19:06:52Z

The Trial of Glenn Marcus
http://www.nysun.com/article/48528
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/story/497305p-419209c.html
http://www.nypost.com/seven/02132007/news/regionalnews/sex__slave_trial_regionalnews_stefanie_cohen.htm
http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/115365
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/story/497630p-419482c.html
http://www.everyonescrazy.com/2007/02/its-bird-its-plane-its-varmint_17.html#links

My thoughts on this:

Is a woman who stays with a wife-beater a masochist? Is she truly consenting because she stays? Or can he still be prosecuted? And how is this different? I just don’t see how she could have enjoyed that, but if she did, I’d be forced to say it was ok. From her reaction now, however, I’m guessing she didn’t enjoy it, she simply submitted to it. I would say it is a flaw of the lifestyle that it can allow that degree of domination, but, again, outside the life men treat women the same way, and I don’t think anyone in the life (really in it) is saying that it’s ok either place.

I once said that the reason this is ok and it's not abuse is that I can say no. I think it is not just about that I technically can in the relationship, but also that I emotionally can. Someone who doesn’t have that kind of emotional strength is not a submissive, but a true, old-world style slave. They are half a person. Maybe that’s the difference between the fantasy slave and the real one – the real one is not a functioning, emotionally sound human being.

I call myself a slave, but I think, in the end, I’m not. I’m a submissive. I have opinions and I can think and I can reason. I do not mindlessly follow. And because of that, I am worth far, far more to the man who can conquer not just my mind or my spirit but my heart.

I think it’s sad that there are women out there who allow this to happen to themselves. And sadder that men who practice such would seek to hide true, black-hearted slavery in S&M.

Celibacy

2007-02-15T18:59:43Z

Is a horrible, horrible word.

So, I lost all respect and trust for Misere, but I still like him, so he's around. Never going there ever again though.

I gave up the boy. Easier than expected really. Still hanging out there. After all, he's my best friend's (Vouloir D.) husband. (Long story. She encouraged it, if that means anything.)

I also gave up sex altogether. No sex since the idiocy happened. No self, either, except with His approval. The second part was my decision. Why?

I want it too much to go half-way. Why not entirely? I don't know if I can...

I'm addicted to sex. I finally admitted it to myself, and dealt with that. I can't remember a time in over 7 years it has not been a needed part of my life, and that is a scary thing.

I watched the new Hannibal movie the other day. (It was excellent.) I had to take a shower when I got back, I was so hopped up wanting blood and pain and sex. After perhaps a week of nothing, when He gave me something I cried. I just said "Thank you" over and over. That's when I knew I was addicted.

And so I'm doing this. I have to. He may not require me to be solely His all the time, but He is for the moment, and I have to be able to. I cheated on Seth, on my ex-husband, on.. (Shhh, shhh.) And yes, the relationships were dying, but that's no excuse. This one is alive and healthy, and I have to be able to function in it. What he is asking is fair and logical. I won't ruin this for myself again.

So celibacy is becoming familiar. I'm older and wiser now. Hopefully, I'm also stronger.
I have to be.

Just because you're a cripple doesn't mean you can't still be a dick.

2007-01-23T18:46:21Z

*End rant*

I did something I shouldn't, and now I am dealing with the repercussions.

With Misere. (See above)
With BlancNuit (nearly dealt with)
With the boy (an issue I don't care that much for, save for her.)
With myself, and my issues.

I have to be faithful.
I hate being faithful.
After all, Nyx lives off of pain and sex. And when she starves to death? She gets very desperate...

So we are putting her to sleep, and all that entails. It's the only option.

Sleep well, dark goddess. Dream deep. Soon, you will be free, I promise.

As a side note...
I love Him. I think this may be it. And that's not the hope talking (I hope.)

From my MySpace

2007-01-14T20:38:48Z

This is something I posted to those I used to attend church and youth group with back when I was 17. I thought it belonged here. It was so hard to say, to crash the image they had of me, the image my Mom had of me in my mind. But I'm glad I did.

I don't know what the repercussions will be, but it was the truth. And the truth shall set you free, right?

"Today I realized something.

For back story, I am not who I used to be. At one point, I was very "Christian," very good, very pure. I was going to save the world and make a difference. I burned dresses I considered slutty. I preached on abstinence not just of sex, but of lust before marriage. I believed that you must not only guard your purity, you must guard the appearance of it. I was a warrior of the faith.

Then came the breaking of my mind, the depressions, the near-suicide, the pain of Seth and I, the loss of Mom, the fall from grace, the failure of my marriage. I have faced things that nearly broke me, that hurt like hell, that changed who I am.

MySpace is my link to those who knew me once as I used to be, back in my days of innocence. And this is to let you all know that she is dead. Because today I realized that I am tired of hiding that.

You want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God? I think marriage is just a sheet of paper that means nothing. I think sex can be without love, without commitment, and it is just an act. I'm bisexual. I believe in love - deeply, even more than I used to. But I think it is too complicated for rules and regulations. I have sex without love, love without sex, and both without marriage.
I'm a masochist, a kink, a slave, a sub, and I make no apologies for it. I was born this way, and who is anyone to make me hide my nature? For yes, even in those days you knew me as pure, I still dreamed of sex and violence and chains and torture every night. It is who I am from before I can remember. I have made peace with it, and so have those closest to me, who love me the most.
I don't do drugs because I dislike the way they make me feel. I smoke and drink heavily, but only on occasion. Not because I think it's wrong; just because I think it's stupid to do so often. I curse, because I enjoy doing so. I like the emphasis I can provide with such. I hang out with Masters and Slaves, with bisexuals and gays, with those who hate our faith and those who believe something different. (But did not Christ pick as companions prostitues and tax collectors?)
I believe in God more than I ever did when I was young. And I love Him far more because He has saved me, in life, not just in stories.
I don't attend church. I rarely read Scripture. I pray without even thinking about it. I have learned to walk in prayer, so that it is unconcious.
I don't care if something is wrong in Scripture. The only commandments that I pay heed are those two of Christ: Love the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul, and love others as yourself. Even my feeble attempt at those two keeps me so busy I have no time to wonder about anything else.

I am NOT who I used to be, not by a mile. And you know what? The old me would have condemned me. A backslidden Christian. One who has left the flock. A prodigal son. The old me would have prayed for me. The old me was a FOOL.

The old me was miserable and suicidal and depressed. Stressed and worried. Horribly repressed. Nearsighted. Judgemental. All wrapped in a velvety coat of good intentions and prayers.

I like who I am now! I am not damned, I am free. I am finally free from sin because I decided that it doesn't matter if I sin! I only want to help others, to spread love. I am close to God, and happy in life. I like where I have come from, who I am, and where I am going. I will pretend no longer.

Some of my old friends, whom I hold dear, I may lose. And that is all right. I will not lead anyone into sin, (I am only myself, a sinner, not a temptress) but neither will I help any achieve sainthood. Salvation, though, I can only hope. I think my heart, tainted though some may see it, is a light in dark places. I will not pull you into my life and decisions, but I will not pretend to be otherwise or accept any to pass judgement on me save God.

Ghost of my Mother, let go these chains! You cannot hold me down any longer with your expectations. I am sorry I wasn't what you wanted. But I am me, and I like me; and for me, that is enough."

Are you looking down on me? Can you even see me at all?

2006-12-21T20:22:47Z

I sulked for Thanksgiving. I'm a bit ashamed of myself. I don't know why, but for some reason this Thanksgiving made me miss Vie'etVent and my Mom unbearably.

You know, it has been almost six years, and it still hurts whenever I let myself think of her. How can that be? Why were we created such creatures of pain and regret, to dwell on the past and what could have been, should have been? Why weren't we made for it to eventually go away? I am reminded of all the quotes of forgetting from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. Would I forget her if I could, to take away the pain? No, I'd lose too much of myself, of who I am, of the all-important Why. But I just wish I knew that at some point I'd stop missing her, that the pain would eventually end. And it never will.

And that's why I'm going home for Christmas.

A Quiz?

2006-12-02T23:10:13Z

I never post quizzes here, but I thought this one belonged. And it made me giggle.

The Aftermath - to Vie'etVent

2006-11-23T22:36:53Z

Why can't I?!?
Why can't I take him and make him better than me, stronger, smarter than me? I refuse to believe it is impossible to create something that surpasses yourself, given varying potentials. I may not do it, but it has to be possible.

I've thought for years about what I want, deciding, refining, obsessing. Now you ask me to throw it all out the window? I DON'T WANT LOVE. I want to be KEPT. I feel happiest when I feel that. Not the collar, not play, true; but not adored and loved and taken care of either. The control blows my mind, the love entrances me, but it is being Kept that makes me happy.

So maybe my ideal is impossible. Maybe I can't find it. Haven't I even admitted that myself, here, where you don't come to look? Isn't that just one more fear to overcome? I know that may be true, the Master I want may not exist. But I want it so much. I want it enough to sacrifice anything to get it. And after finally figuring it out, how could I go back? You wanted me to know what I want, and now that I know, you tell me I can't find it.

I hope to God you're wrong. Because at this point, I think I'd rather be alone.

Payoff and Cost - A Look At My Relationship Jumping

2006-11-13T18:57:48Z

So at this conference I went to the other night, they reminded me of something I hadn't used in a while. Every bad thing in us, everything we want to change, has a payoff. That's why we don't change it. But it also has costs, which is why we want to change it. So now, a look at my relationship-jumping...

Payoff:
Hope
Sex
Affection/Attention
Less Loneliness
Less Fear
– of being alone
- of falling into depression
- of not finding what I want
Distraction
Not feeling loss
Emotional Support

Costs:
Independence
Self-Esteem
My view of myself
Others view of me
My options
My emotional strength

Hmm, well that explains why I can't get rid of it. It gives me too many things I want and only promises me things I think I should have... So how important is it and how bad is it that I am getting what I want from relationships? Something to think about...

Stay A Little While Longer, Mr. Sun

2006-11-13T18:21:29Z

Just a few rays through the clouds, but at least I can breathe.

I have a lot to face, but it's not like I'm alone. I need to remember that. Advice and emotional support are not as hard to find as you might think, and I have many wonderful people in my life. Chin up honey, you can do it!

I was actually getting smooth sailing, as far as plans go, and then there came a bump or two. Strange enough, bump one, while still not thrilling, kept me on track with bump two. So things are still working out, which is good. We'll see where it goes...

I told Misere I may be moving. He reacted as would be expected, having guessed the rest. Resentment, hurt, anger. At least now it's out there, though. The talk was good, the emotions draining. I told him the truth, and he did likewise. I figured out that what changed was that he became happy, and the happy him was not what I wanted. Is that wrong, malicious? To only want to be with someone while they are miserable? For those who watch House, I feel a bit like Cameron. But I can't help what I want or what I'm looking for.
Actually, now that I'm think about it, it wasn't that he was happy; it was that he was complacent and apathetic. He let me get away with murder. Yes, maybe the happiness caused that, but had he stuck to his lines, him happy would have been fine. He felt because he was happy he didn't have to do anything.
Anyway, I still feel like what I did was what I should have done. *Raises glass* Here's to no regrets! (Or at least no big ones... Mostly.)

I feel like I have nothing to stand on. I hate that feeling. The sand under my feet keeps moving. One more reason to stay under someone's wing - the security is a big draw.

I gave BlancNuit the questions by which answers I will make my decision. I am interested to see how he answers them, how he handles the questions themselves. I am asking a lot of him - perhaps too much. But I cannot risk myself for less than near-certainty. We shall see, I suppose.

Here's to hope, and dreams, and chances. Here's to overcoming, to fixing, to improving, to change. Here's to questing, to questions, to answers. Here's to a better life to come.