I have given up a dream for a reality that I am happy with.  I am moving on, and I feel slight regret but am happy with my decision.  I feel like I'm becoming one strong person.

But now this journal, this life, this dream, is ending.  What do I write here now?

So a few people read my last post, and I talked to several more about it.  Mary particularily helped.  MANY hours later, it came down to the sense that I'm punishing myself for something - and that's why I sense a wrongness to it, because I shouldn't be punished.  But part of me enjoys said punishment because I feel I deserve it.

And I just thought I was kinky.

Anyway, that's been on the back burner since then, and will stay there a while longer.  I have bigger issues than fixing my flaws at the moment.

First, in light news, why do people unfriend you and then say you can message to be re-added?  It just seems so silly!  I'm not gonna beg to be on your list.  Of course, the whole friending and unfriending faux pas strike me as a bit bizarre to begin with, but maybe that's just me.  I mean, some people take it so seriously!

Next, in September I met a guy at work, who turned out to be married (drama) and Ray gave the go ahead (drama) and I played with the couple (drama) who have 3 kids (stress.) *sigh*  It was nice, but too much work.  So month and a bit and I ended it.  Still friends, and all, and maybe more later, but for now just chill.

Sex was frickin awesome though.  Which got Nyx stirred up.  Then Seth dropped me a line.  (Yes, he's still crazier and fuck, dreaming, and has none of his shit together.  No, I do not want him.  Well, not the way he is now anyway.)  And she got more stirred up.  She still wants him.  Well, the him he was before he went TOTALLY out of his mind, anyway.  She's been depressed for ages anyway.  Back in August she begged, BEGGED, Ray to let her die.  Nyx begged!  And with the sex play and the reminder of Seth she just lost it.  We started to fray, and just couldn't make a decision.  So we dosed her and shoved her in the box.

And we've been happy.  I mean, the rest of us are pretty damn content with us, with BlancNoir, with our life.  We're happy!  But she's not.  She has these expectations that I've been told, by multiple people whom I trust, just won't be found.  But she refuses to settle.  I think it's that all that keeps her going is looking for it, and compromise would be like dying inside for her. 

And we get that, we sympathize.  But we aren't two people, and the other 4 of us are tired of chasing the impossible dream, tired of new starts, tired of trying again and again just to have it turn out to be a lie.  We have something really awesome and we don't want to give it up.

But she just can't.  Which leaves us in an impossible situation.

First, we barely want sex without her.  Second, having it on the rare times we do want it makes us afraid we'll wake her up.  So we can't keep this stalemate going long.

Possible choices:  Kill her or try to merge us all together.  The second happened once when I prayed a VERY desperate prayer, and I couldn't stand it, so probably not the best option.  But kill her?  What if we lost something important?  Not to mention that she's the parts of us we admire the most.

I just don't know what to do.  I hate impossible situations.  The bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but what about ten?

So yeah, I just can't find the calm lately.

At least work and money are working out now.  So if I can just get my head straight... *sigh*  God, I could use a word of wisdom right about now...

Oh!  I have resolutions!  First year in a long, long time.
1) I resolve to not let my job overwhelm me or impact my happiness.  I love my job; it's gonna stay that way.
2) I resolve to pay down my debts and improve my credit in preparation for buying a house.
3) I resolve to take a dancing class to do something productive to lose weight.  And maybe eat a little better.

Even with everything, I'm looking forward to 2009.  I'm happy.

But does this mean the dream is dead?  Am I giving up on looking for a Master?  Is the title finally gone for good?

What a sad thought.

So, when we first met it was all fireworks and explosions between us, but I guess I've learned a lot since then.  He's here, slowly becoming more Him, and I'm here, trying to not be the me of the past year.  Trying very, very, very hard.  Failing mostly, which is frustrating.  Old habits die hard, I guess, and I'll just have to beat these into submission.

But the other day I was fantasizing.  Just some random guy, but it was the stuff I usually pick when I need realistic hardcore (aka not tentacle rape, giants, serial killers who don't kill me/I escape from/I can't die, and other things that don't exist in the real world.)  Just a random fantasy.  The inclusions?

-He's watching me masturbate as he drives, deliberately gets us pulled by the cops, makes me have sex with the cop to get us out of the ticket, then writes "WHORE" with a downward arrow on my stomach in bright red lipstick and takes a picture of me looking fucked up
-He makes me go to the neighbor's (my pick of which ones) wearing only a pearl necklace to borrow some sugar
-He knocks me unconcious, ties me to the bed, when I wake he spanks me, beats me with a belt, fucks me up the ass with a spiked dildo (there was blood,) then brutally rapes me with it still in.  Afterward he leaves me tied uncomfortably to the bed all night, takes me again the next morning, then makes me go take a shower.
-Invites random guys over and makes me have various forms of sex with them for money (or not)

There was more detail, but even for a post where I'm bearing my soul I think that's enough.  That, right there, is pretty X rated.  But there is a point, I promise, it's not just gratuitous.

The point is, somewhere in this half-fantasy, half-dream, I have a conversation with him.  I ask him why he doesn't love me, why he can't love me, and he says?  "You want abuse.  How can I love you and abuse you, or abuse you and love you?"

Snap back to reality.  And suddenly I'm looking at the fantasy, analyzing it.  None of that is stuff I need.  But want?  Yeah, most of that is.  Not all together all the time, and maybe with some small variations for safety, but yeah, and most of the time some of it.  And, looking at it from an outsider's standpoint, most people would say that that is abuse.  Hell, most of the sane people in the BDSM scene would say that's abuse.  And apparently, my subconcious at least knew that.

But I didn't.  For me, somehow, love and abuse are so mixed up that they go together just fine.  In fact, I didn't even see it as abuse because if they love me, it wouldn't be abuse.  WTF does that mean?  Makes me glad I always knew what love really was, otherwise I shudder to think where I'd be now.  Point is, for me, someone who loved me would be able to abuse me without a problem.  But that was the color of my glasses, not the way things were.  I wonder if that's part of what changed between me and BlancNoir - he started to love me, and as he did it became both safer and harder for him to abuse me.  It's hard to degrade and humiliate someone you love and respect.

It's a bit of a catch 22 - I look for people who love me because they won't push it too far and really hurt and/or kill me, but only people who care nothing for me will truly be able to give me what I want.

So now, the tough part.  Realizing this, what do I DO?  How much of what I want is partially need?  How unhappy will I be without it?  Is there any way to get it, even in small doses?  Knowing that I, honestly and deeply, want a lifestyle of being abused and controlled, and knowing that this cannot safely happen, do I eliminate this desire?  What happens if I do?

Because, the honest question is, what happens if I kill off part of me?  Because that is what I would really have to do.  I am so happy, and I know without this mess I could stay that way, and I wonder if that's all wrapped up in this too, this desire to put her to bed permanently.  I keep coming back to it.

And then there's the questions of why the fucking hell am I like this, do I really want to know why, how can I find out, and what happens if I do?  But scarily, the more I figure out how this crap is affecting me (and now I've begun to call it crap on a regular basis.  What does that mean?) the more I want to rip that door off the hinges and damn the consequences.

And I keep WAITING.  I am SO TIRED of WAITING.  *sigh*

So after that little vent, today's project behind the garbage is to sort out these desires and firgure out what to do about them. *sigh*  Here goes nothing.

Whoever said that the journey is one of the best parts of traveling is an idiot.

I am a destination kinda gal.  The whole many-hours-in-a-plane-or-car-with-baggage-and-checkpoints-and-timezones thing is not my bag.  It's not most people's, though, as well.  But I'm kinda also that way with life.

God, can't I just skip the next couple of years and drop in for the fun part?  Huh?  You can teach me in my sleep and stuff..... Please?

So I'm leaving on Wednesday to go home.  This is a good thing.  My time here is well past, and I'm ready for it.  Much as I love JoieDeDouleur (and most times like her) I miss my friends, my stuff, my fluffy kitty, the ability to work.  The packing is crazy, but it's getting done.

This, of course, is not why I'm writing this.  This journal has never been a record of the day to day.  It's my release when things start to boil over in my head.  And I haven't needed one in months.  THAT is why I'm writing.

No, he hasn't become who I want/need.  It kept being a problem until I cast the cards in March.  It told me so much, including patience.  God told me to wait.  I listened.

Nyx went to sleep, a surprising move of hope, faith, confidence and trust for her.  My sex drive decreased, my need for pain vanished, my expectations rested with her.  And as I relaxed, he did become more what I needed in little things.  He relaxed.  And hope grew more, and I believed that I was doing what was needed.  I don't know how long such patience will last, but I have been genuinely happy in the calm she left behind.

But now...  I will be without him a mere three weeks.  It is so little.  Yet I know how off balance this puts me, how uneven.  And it is more that there are nervous pricks in me that will not be still and listen to reason.  My subconscious is rebelling against my mind already.  I do not want to leave him, even for a little while.  Deep in my mind there is uneasiness and unrest where there had been peace.

It is unavoidable.  What must be must be.  But... The back of my mind doesn't seem to like it much nonetheless.  Which makes my front of mind uneasy, and unhappy.

*Sigh*  Why does it have to be complicated?

Thanks to atriel for my new layout! It's yummy...

The events and realizations of the past few days are promising, if nothing else.  He's listening, trying to understand, and that bodes well.  I think it is still hard for him to grasp what I need though.  At least now he understands why I need it.  We shall see.

He's not going through the motions anymore though, and that's good.  There's effort, thought going into things.  He's expecting feedback, and that's definitely new. Yet I'm still worried that tomorrow it will all stop again.  I guess only time will fix that.

He wants me to write more, which is good. And we're going to be learning French.  =)  I hadn't brought it up in ages, and yet he remembered.  I can't wait to start.

I've asked him to help me get healthier, finally shape up and get my confidence back.  My sister-to-be, JoieDe Douleur, bought Fit to Strip, and I've been enjoying it immensely.  Hopefully, a more regular schedule will follow as well.  I need to stop sleeping away my days and neglecting myself and my life.

For now, I am mostly just waiting to see what he will do.  Fingers crossed.

After months without Internet, it is good to be back to the keys.

Nyx pushed him too far finally, and he committed.  We will see what comes of it.

*Sigh*  It is hard to make him understand what I want.  He was getting frustrated, said he was trying.  I finally got him to tell me how.  Then had to explain that I feel ridiculously loved - that's never been the problem.  He's always made me feel loved and cared for and giddy like a little girl.  I want to feel controlled.

I love him so much.  We'll get there.

    Before I begin, allow me to state that I do not, in any way, mean this to be a criticism of your will, potential or word.  These are simply my observations and if they are incorrect, then I apologize.  But, on to the heart of it.
    To be frank, you look like a drowning man.  It's been a year since we met and 10 days since you took over the roll of Master again, and so far you have only implemented a list, let slide one punishment because you didn't know what to do or have the energy to do it, and the sexual urges are exhausting you further, yet you continue to favor them.  Know it of not, you, sir, are sinking.
    This is a familiar pattern, as well.  Generally they will push the punishments issue more, you will fold, or, more likely, forget, the lists will stop, life goes on.  I am comfortable with this pattern.  For all my Christianity, for all that men should lead, I like leading.  I'm good at it too.  Why shouldn't I be?  I am a dominant.  But for all that, I cannot do for them what you can do for them; I cannot make them happy.  And you are not only a good man.  A man, yes, sent by God into our life.  A man of strength and principles.  But you are also a man we have committed to, for life.
    Breaking that vow the first time, broke me.  I don't know that I will ever heal.  I don't know that I will ever be able to love you.
    It must not happen again.

    And this time is different.  Failure is no longer an option.  You made a promise, but, more dangerous, you ordered Nyx to believe it.  If you fail her...  Bad things will happen.  And that, also, is not an option.  I've seen that ride, I don't enjoy it.
    The long and short of it is you need help.  Did you know that, in the oldest families, they actually have schools for dominants?  There are books, articles, forums.  Why?  Because doing it right isn't easy.
    You have no training, no books, no forums.  But you have a very unusual "girl."
    I can help you, if you let me.  I have no personal interest in it, but I have a good deal of knowledge, and even better, I know what they want and need.  I know how to work around the sex.  How to punish them.  If you ask me, singularly, I can help you.  You need the help.

Good list punishments:
    -Send to corner in our room for "x" time per infraction
    -Exercise per infraction
    -Masturbation with no finish allowed (for lighter issues - make sure to hold the line and allow no satisfaction for the night)
    -Vacuum carpet by hand (or other work-related, unpleasant, hard task.)
I have others if you need them.

    Let me help you.
                    Peace

"Thou art to me a delicious torment."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

(feed me or free me.)